Satire Archives - The Pitt News

Satire | I voted for Donald Trump, now he鈥檚 signed an executive order to kill me 鈥� here鈥檚 why that鈥檚 a good thing

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • March 11, 2025

In the same way that Biden鈥檚 relative economic stability was propped up by fake money and Democratic lies, my right to live was also an illegitimate construct brought about by deep state bureaucrats.

Satire | Midterm madness: A selection of students鈥� struggles

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • February 26, 2025

As one of the many people about to combust from the pressure of so many major assignments due at the same time, I needed comfort. I decided to take to the halls of Hillman to harass people into telling me what to do so I don鈥檛 die.聽

Satire | The best and worst Valentine鈥檚 Day spots at Pitt

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Writer • February 12, 2025

As a senior at Pitt, I鈥檝e been to almost every restaurant on or near Forbes. Some way too many times. As such, I am the leading expert on which restaurants will make your boo break up with you, and which...

Satire | Sights and smells of Oakland: An observation of the elusive college student鈥檚 average Friday night

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • December 7, 2024

I thought I was just going to get some chicken tenders and fries, but I ended up getting so much more. So, for all of you missing out on this essential college experience, here are my field notes from my night in the wild.聽

Satire | Holiday Cheer, and so can you!

By Raquel Padin-Nicholas, Staff Columnist • November 19, 2024

Trust me, I understand how hard the results of this election season were. Still, nothing says out of sight, out of mind quite like the avalanche of holidays that are about to hit us.

Satire | Top 10 Halloween Couples Costumes and What They Say 萌妹社区安卓版下载 Your Relationship

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 29, 2024

More important than meeting the parents, more important than the Instagram hard launch and possibly more important than the wedding itself, is the couple鈥檚 Halloween costume. It tells more than you鈥檇 think about the state of a relationship 鈥� whether it鈥檚 in its playful beginning stage, the happy middle phase or the bitter ending state and everything in between.聽

Satire | The consequences of shrinkflation

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 25, 2024

At this point in the future, there have been thousands of recessions 鈥� which were really depressions 鈥� since the one in 2008. Inflation keeps raising prices.

Satire | America has the right to invade Cuba and should after they have expressed interest in joining BRICS

By Alex Jurkuta, Contributing Editor • October 25, 2024

With all of this open hostility from the Eastern-backed Cuban government, it has become clear that the only option for the United States to protect its sphere of influence is to engage in a three-day special operation in order to de-commify Cuba and protect the persecuted ethnic Americans.

Satire | Undecided voters having trouble choosing between Block of Wood and Baby Eater

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • October 21, 2024

As the election draws near, many Pittsburgh voters are confident in their upcoming decision at the ballot box 鈥� but there is still a large sect of the population that can鈥檛 quite decide between their two options.

Satire | Spotted lanternflies鈥� morality and mortality

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 17, 2024

As Oakland residents know, in the warmer months, swarms of lanternflies litter the air and streets with their disgusting existence. They鈥檙e annoying, they try to fly in my eyes and mouth every time I step outside and they鈥檙e invasive, so we鈥檙e supposed to kill them.